Interesting stuff.
My relationship with my father has dwindled down to a couple emails a month from work
And a cell phone that he never has on and he never checks voice mail.
Tomorrow is his birthday.
I was going to call him today and leave him a voice mail saying happy b day
(He’ll be out of the office tomorrow)
I got this recorded message saying that his inbox is full
It can accept no new voice mails
I Have been leaving him voice mails
I left him one when I was on the restless run
(good thing I didn’t call on the side of the road dying in a ditch)
And one for fathers day
Thinking he might check them
I guess I fool myself into thinking there is something there
It’s this made up world I suppose
But I can do what I can do, and that’s ok with me.
Whether or not someone ever picks up the other line.
I’ll still try.
I’m almost 30.
I am terrible at a lot of things.
And good at really nothing.
But I’ve been trying to get better.
I forget birthdays.
Don’t call my sick grandma enough.
Can’t remember my mom’s address.
But I’m trying to get better.
I guess I’m trying to use my relationship with my father as the catalyst.
The most bruised and battered thing I have in my life.
If I can start with that.
Fix that.
Or at least limp away from it.
Then maybe everything else will fall into place.
These things take the stalwart approach, if that’s a good enough epithet or not?
The point is.
I’m trying to surrender my apathy and start giving a fuck.
If I can start with someone that doesn’t really seem to care that much.
Then the ones that do care.
When they pick up the phone…
When I remember their birthdays..
Mail them a small package..
When they receive me well…
It will taste all that more sweet.
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